Most of the time, the monsters in my head are caused by my generalized anxiety disorder. Through introspection and therapy, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ve been this way all my life, and I will always be an anxious person, despite medical leave, pills, therapy, meditation, and any other self-care trend. The difference is how I manage my anxiety. And I am managing it, but for a long time (longer than I care to admit), my anxiety was managing me. It began spiraling out of control in 2013 when I had a colicky newborn daughter, Rosalia, and a toddler under 2, Giancarlo, whose Autism was beginning to manifest, in all its earth-shattering glory, and was severely ill with a kidney disorder. That time is a bit of a blur, but I still get thrown into flashes of it. The exhaustion, the worry, the gruesome side effects of the drug that saved my son’s life, his insomnia, the crying, the pleading, the researching, the worry, the shrieking ear-piercing wails of my daughter, the worry… and the meltdowns. We will revisit that shitshow another time.
Sometimes my monsters are my rigidity and my obsessive tendencies. I would like to thank my anxiety and my son’s autism for that brilliant award. For the longest time I pretended that his world would end if my husband served him milk in the glass that was intended for water, but I have now accepted that as my own ridiculousness. The belief that whatever last bit of sanity and order I am holding onto will implode if things don’t happen exactly as I planned them… and yet, that is exactly what got me here.
If I tell you about all the monsters in my head on my second post, this blog doesn’t have much of a future, so I’ll leave some of the juicy stuff for another day when I’m not scrambling to finish before the monsters get home. Yup, the little monsters that came out of me. The best thing I’ve ever dreamed of or laid eyes on. My greatest teachers and by far my greatest pride and joy. And they are all mine. But, man are they little shits sometimes. My kids are the cutest, funniest, smartest children I could have ever wanted. They are exactly what I prayed for, and each have the perfect combination of my husband’s best features and mine. Exactly the checklist I had always prayed for. They say you should be careful what you wish for, because it just may come true. That, my friends, couldn’t be more accurate. God has a funny sense of humour.