Adieu, 2020

Let me preface by saying that I didn’t hate 2020 as much as it seems the rest of the world did.

Photo by cottonbro on

I needed to learn the lessons that 2020 had in store for me.

I learned that I can in fact keep going long after I think I can’t. I learned that when there seems to be no solution in sight, and all you see is dark despair, there is still a move to make: just look for the next right thing. Sometimes that thing is to let go and let be. Stop trying to fix. Stop trying to anticipate. Sit in your darkness until the next small move appears. Something will make you laugh again. There will be another tiny, tiny breakthrough. And you can hold onto that until the next one. Your intuition will find its voice again.

2020 taught me that, contrary to what my depression fools me into to believing, I am essential.

I learned that Giancarlo progresses and develops more when he is given freedom to do so. His learning doesn’t depend on calendar time, arithmetic and worksheets. I learned that, until this year, I had only pretended to accept that his path was different. This year I let him take the lead, and he blew me away. I am learning to question everything conventional.

In 2020 I learned how to turn off the perpetual manager in my head. The one that always needs a project, prepares for every possible outcome, manipulates and controls those around me… The one that contributes to my self sabotage.

You see, 2020… I didn’t completely hate you. You taught me a lot of important lessons. Ease up a bit in 2021… though, k? I’m still learning.

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