I was not born to follow. Over the years, I have embraced my role as a leader, a shaker, and quite often, a shit disturber. It is the source of most of my anxiety. Even when I try to sit in the passenger seat, delegate, or let shit go, I micro-manage in my head, judging everyone’s moves and decisions. I cannot witness inefficiency and injustice and sit back and do nothing. I am a mover. But it comes it a cost. I am rarely at peace, despite meditation, medication, and several lifestyle changes in attempts to be zen as f*ck.
It feels like I have the soul of a revolutionary, perhaps a guerilla warrior in a past life. But my inner warrior cannot be bothered by politics and governmental disasters. Its fire is not ignited by curfews, mismanagement of government funds and ridiculous policies. It is fueled instead by the (perceived) gross injustices in my personal life. Mostly with regards to Giancarlo’s path. And it is the area that my stomping feet and assertive demands have made the biggest impact, but it spills over into other misplaced areas.
Case in point: I have been off work since September and this morning I was getting worked up and planning steps to reform a mundane issue in my former department. Despite knowing it’s not my circus, and those are thankfully not my monkeys, that doesn’t stop the bullet points from formulating, in my mental action plan. And a very convincing speech plays unsolicited in my head. I have pissed off my share of colleagues because of it. But it doesn’t even matter all that much to me! Why can’t I let it go? I know why. Because if my brain and its army are occupied by that stupid shit, then it’s not focusing on my marriage, for example. The speech formulating in my head isn’t about how my husband doesn’t talk to our kids the way I do and or about anything that stems from the fact that, from up top my almighty horse, it is so easy to judge every step and misstep taken by everyone in my house.
So in working on letting those things slide and having a more peaceful and harmonious home life, my soldiers anxiously scan for other revolutions. In writing this, I wonder if the goal should be to get rid of those soldiers, train them to live on a prolonged standby, or embrace them. I have a deep rooted need to have strong convictions and opinions about things at all times. Can that really be ignored or changed?
I guess I’ll let you know once I start therapy again and someone answers that for me.